When I was younger I did not think much of myself. I was short, uncoordinated and boys didn’t like me.
Aside from that, I was happy enough in my existence with a core group of GREAT friends. I have gone to several schools in different neighborhoods in Brooklyn, NY and even in South Florida and it seems that every school has the really smart kids, cool kids, the pretty girls and the boys that all the girls like. I have never been in any of those categories, but always wanted to be.
I’ve always considered myself average. I was “okay” in my own eyes, although there were things I would change. I hated my nose, my flat chest and my fat feet that never fit in cute shoes. I was weak and slow and while many of my friends played sports, I couldn’t even serve volleyball in gym. The whole outfield would come in when I was at bat in wiffleball. It was not fun. Finally I just stopped going to gym and stopped trying to be better physically.
At the same time I stopped trying in school all together. Good grades came easy for me early on. I was a good test taker and didn’t have to work hard for a decent grade. I was happy as an average B student. This lasted until high school when halfway through it became more of a social event than an academic institution to me. I went to school every day to meet up with friends and chase boys instead of going to class.
Still I got into a local college and carried on the same nonsense at first. It was 1-2 years into college that a friend of mine finally convinced me that I was worth something. Through her eyes I saw that I was pretty and smart and had the potential for greatness. I just needed to apply myself and focus on what was really important… me! That was a tough lesson, but it was a pivotal moment in my life. There was a shift and I spent the remainder of college life trying my best. While it took some years and maturity, I get it now. It was self doubt! I thought it best not to try and fail. Instead I spent all that time believing I was just okay.
Fast forward to the day before the Brooklyn Half marathon. Yesterday I got my race plan from Michele and as always I was scared. She writes paces in the beginning of the race that seem crazy to me. Then she reminds me that I ran 1.5 minutes faster in the last miles of my last half. This is a reoccurring conversation between her and I. If I had a dollar for every time she tells me to stop doubting myself, I could afford a marathon entry.
So, while I have come so far, the self doubt is still lingers. I have a fear of failing myself, but at least now I have the courage to try. So I will get to the start and follow my plan. Hopefully a sub 2 is in the cards, but I guess we will see.
Good luck to everyone running Brooklyn with me tomorrow! If you want to track me, I am bib #22510.